Communicating at Work
I've been observing two of my professional colleagues who just don't get along! Each frequently misinterprets what the other person is saying, gets annoyed, takes offense, and vents their irritation at the other. I know and appreciate both of them for their unique talents.
The first individual (let's just call her Mary) has a task-oriented, rather brusque, bottom line personality style. The second person (let's call her Sue) is relationship-oriented, warm, loyal, and committed to our company. Mary likes to communicate via fax and email. Sue likes to talk it through over the phone. Sue leaves voice mail messages requesting a return phone call and Mary frequently circumvents face-to-face communication by responding via email. When they are working on a joint project, their individual work styles often clash. Both believe that they have high standards for their work and think the other person is being unreasonable. Add the pressures of getting projects done with tight deadlines and they want to strangle each other. Does any of this sound familiar?
I obviously care about their working relationship because I want to be sure that we get the job done, get it done well, and that we all work together as an effective team. And guess what? I'm not the referee or the umpire in this game of life. It's not my job to intervene and declare either person right or wrong.
In fact, resolving conflicts like these often require that each person ask some self-reflective questions:
- What are the other person's behaviors that push my buttons?
- Why are these behaviors so important to me?
- What do I say to myself when my buttons are being pushed?
- Is what I'm saying to myself (about the other person) helping or hindering my ability to communicate?
- Looking back, have I experienced similar situations in the past? With whom?
- How is this conflict similar to those past conflicts?
- How can I put my needs into words that don't criticize, judge or blame the other person?
Human relationships are so darn interesting! The truth is that our unresolved conflicts from the past often color our relationships in the present. If we can identify our needs, communicate them neutrally, and stop blaming the other person for our feelings, we may find that we can accept, tolerate and even appreciate behavior that used to push our buttons. Resolving conflict isn't always easy but the rewards are well worth the effort.
Comments
Cindy, these are really great questions to ask ourselves. They help us move away from judging and blaming others, to looking more deeply at ourselves. Often, it is a matter of learning to understanding the other person better. As our understanding deepens, the possibility of conflict diminishes. As one of my colleagues always says: "Only do or say things that are unconditionally constructive to the relationship."
Posted by: Elys Brewda | February 22, 2006 10:43 PM
I too really like the suggested questions and the recommended approach. I wish I remembered them more often.
A concept I learned in a class that I find to be very helpful in dealing with conflicts is Assuming Innocence. It means that we should assume that the other party is doing the best that he or she can do in light of his or her circumstances. This assumption prevents us from becoming angry. When we become angry, we are the one's who suffer physically, and we are not able to discuss the issues constructively with the other party.
Assuming Innocence does not mean that we accept another person's behavior that is inappropriate or inconsiderate. It only means that we give the other person the benefit of the doubt, look at their behavior with some compassion, and avoid seeing the bahavior as deliberately malicious. Assuming Innocence, even in the very rare case when the behavior is deliberately malicious, keeps us calm, healthy, and constructive. Again, I wish I remembered this more often, but I am glad when I do.
In my opinion, the employees' supervisor should stay out of these style conflicts unless poor performance is taking place. If either of the employees is failing to meet deadlines, damaging office morale, hurting customer service, etc., then the supervisor needs to address that privately with that individual.
Suprvisors can also be helpful in these situations by suggesting that a mediator might help the combatants discuss the issues. I remember a situation where my manager suggested that a coworker and I use another coworker as a mediator, and that proved very helpful. It is important, however, that the supervisor not impose any mediation and that the mediator be viewed as neutral by the involved parties.
Posted by: Ray Olitt | March 2, 2006 06:18 PM